Why Obama Killed Osama

Obama

Osama

          Most people think that Obama killed Osama because it was politically expedient.  While I believe that that was certainly part of the reason, I think there were other considerations as well.  Here are just some of my theories.
1.  Envy:  While OBL was able to practice his faith in public, BHO has to be a closet Muslim in order to advance Allah's agenda.
2.  R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  As we know, now that Dipshit has been in office for six years or so, there's virtually nowhere in the world where people think he's anything more than a narcissistic empty suit.  World leaders (e.g. Assad, Putin, Netanyahu) have long dismissed him as either a bumbling clown or irrelevant or both.  He is despised by the right and the left ain't too crazy about him anymore, either.  Two places where folks still love him: among his base of Low Information Voters, and in the mirror.  Osama, however, was revered by Allah fans the world over.  Even the ones that wouldn't admit it.

Navy Seal

3.  Power:  One would think that the "Leader of the Free World" (God help us) would be able to do pretty much whatever his little black heart desired, right?  Like something really spectacular to cement his place in history as a mover and a shaker.  But Dipshit had to admit to himself that that whole World Trade Center Stunt was pretty cool, and something a man in his position would never have been able to pull off, Harry Reid's support notwithstanding ("The president's blue ribbon commission determined that because, according to public record, the Twin Towers were built on landfill which consisted of 27.4% non-biodegradable materials such as styrofoam, the buildings had to be dismantled for the greater good of saving the planet and the most expedient method of bringing them down was flying a couple jetliners into those suckers.").
4.  It was all a big misunderstanding.  The Navy Seals  were supposed to deliver three Stealth helicopters to Bin Laden to help in his quest to eliminate all infidels except Celine Dion (apparently he can't get enough of the Canadian songstress) and one of them crashed rather noisily, waking up the whole compound.  Achmed and Abdul, two of the guards on duty that faithful night, were not informed of the plan and consequently opened fire on the hapless intruders, and Osama was caught in the crossfire when he came out on his terrace, yelling "What the fuck?!  For Allah's sake, would you keep it down out here?  I'm binge-watching 'Breaking Bad'!"
5.  Jealousy.

Lookin' good, Monica!

Upon assuming the office of POTUS, among Dipshit's first Exectutive Orders was calling Monica Lewinsky, wanting to see whether she had the chops to handle a (half) black man.  He had heard that those Jewish girls went down like submarines, but he personally had not yet experienced the fellatiotic* expertise of a Zionist heathen.  Monica, however, had turned him down, stating that although the offer was quite tempting, she was previously occupied, just settling into her new position as spokesperson for the Hoover vacuum cleaner company.  When she mentioned, however, that she had been flown to Abbottabad to get a little taste (operative word "little") of Islam from OBL, it was simply too much for ol' Dipshit to bear.

* I don't know if "fellatiotic" is an actual word, but I needed it, so now it is.